annie f downs, author and all-around all star, talks a lot about how we should just feel what we feel. stop making it seem like what is going on in your life isn’t happening. stop making yourself feel smaller by comparing your circumstances to someone else’s that are maybe more “extreme”.
you have a right to feel your feels.
you’re sad? feel sad. you’re jazzed about life? get jazzy. you’re giddy about the future? WE NEED MORE OF THAT GIDDINESS!
i just couldn’t agree with her more. i think our society makes us lukewarm. we’re supposed to be chill. we shouldn’t care too much, be too much, feel too much.
well funny story: i do all the above.
i am not chill.
i care about people so much my close friends need to remind me that i shouldn’t have anxiety over other peoples’ happiness. i struggle with being viewed as ‘too much’ – i am too into my dreams, my faith, my passions. i feel everything deeply, from worrying about family to worrying about a homeless man i see once to worrying about whether my future husband will like taylor swift.
so this summer was really hard on me. between graduation and moving home, going from having a whole campus of friends to zero, and the precarious health of my mom, i felt like i was on an endless roller coaster of emotions. add on the stress of finding a job and it was almost too much.
but honestly? i mainly just felt like i was the only one going through this rough transition. i felt, and sometimes still feel, so lonely. no one ever talks about how hard the hard stuff is. how hard it is to take care of a sick family member and all the tension, stress and sleepless nights that go with. how hard it is to see someone you love so much struggle and live too far to help them. how hard it is to graduate with such big dreams and then get continuously crushed with rejections.
we see these lukewarm lives on social media, lives of “couple goals” and “squads”, and we get brainwashed into thinking we shouldn’t feel the feels. that everyone else has it together. that we’re the only ones that has ever moved back in with their parents and worked retail to keep their sanity. that we’re the only ones who sometimes cry over a lost friendship or dances to throwback jams when they’re getting ready.
i had convinced myself at some point along the way that no one else feels these feels. but people do. actually, everyone does.
we’re not made to be lukewarm. we’re made to love deeply and act passionately. so even though my blog and instagram are often beautiful edited photos, i hope you see that i am trying. i just really love editing photos but i will not edit my feelings.
at the end of the day, doing this is not really for you, but for me. i am trying to rewire myself to feel what i am feeling instead of pretending to be this chill gal who doesn’t care. because i do care. A LOT. about ALL of you. about my future. about my family. about flavors of ice cream. and i love that part about myself.
so if i seem overly into this whole blog dealio or if i seem like one of those “really” catholic girls or if i seem like anything too much, that’s because i am. i refuse to be lukewarm.
will you join me?
vibed to more like love by ben rector while writing.